AMAZING JOKES

* My wife's having a heart attack
Blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's going on?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing 9-1-1, his 4-year old son comes up and says; "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your clothes closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You IDIOT!!!" screams the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!

* How to make us happy
Nigerian President Olusegun Obasanjo (OBJ), his Vice, Abubakar Atiku (ATK) and the Central Bank Governor, Charles Soludo are flying on the presidential jet.
OBJ looks down and says: "I can throw down a N1, 000 note and make one person happy.
ATK says to him "I can throw down two N500 notes and make two people happy. Charles laughs at them and says: "I can throw down five N200 notes and make five people happy.
The pilot looks at the co-pilot and tells him: "Such arrogant people! I can throw three of them off the plane and make 150 million people happy!

* The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts


The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean . They all died and went to heaven together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen.  Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.


However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.
"Pete, Lu.  Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

* Jesus ...


Jesus had no servants .... yet they called Him Master.
Had no degree ... yet they called Him Teacher.
Had no medicines ... yet they called Him Healer.
Had no army ... yet kings feared Him.
He won no military battles ... yet He conquered the world.
He committed no crime ... yet they crucified Him.
He was buried in a tomb ...yet He lives today.




* Love story......
There was a blind girl who used to hate everyone except her Boyfriend........
she always used to say that I"ll marry you if i could see !!
Suddenly one day, some one donated her eyes.......
and then when she saw her Boyfriend......
she was astonished to see that her Boyfriend was also blind........
Her boyfriend then asked...WILL YOU MARRY ME NOW?
she simply refused..........
Her Boyfriend went away saying....JUST TAKE CARE OF MY EYES!!

* Wonder if...
* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
* If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
* If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? hehehe......
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Oops...
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker.
* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
* Why is it called building when it is already built?
* If a book about failures sells, is it a success?
* If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?

* Don't copy if you can't paste.
Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training. Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers.
One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying,
"That woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon.

As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked, murmuring.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste.

* Died in Jerusalem


A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the Wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.


The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

* The Lord's Prayer

The Lord is my Operating System, I shall not hang. He makes me to boot normally without errors. He loads my routing table with cool links; he restored my path. He routed me to the server of righteousness, for His domain sake. Even though I browse hackers’ sites, I will fear no attack, for he is my Firewall. Thy antivirus and Intrusion Prevention System, they comfort me. Thou preparest a link before me in the presence of time-outs; thou connected my links with fiber optics. Surely solid connection and replies shall follow me all the period of my pings. And I shall telnet from the server of God forever and ever.

* Plastic surgery

A lady was sick in the hospital and about to die, so she prayed to God and asked God if that was her end. God said no dat she still has 30more yrs to live. So this woman on getting better from her sickness went for plastic surgery, tummy tuck, facial lift, breast lift etc( since she has 30more yrs she can as well make the best use of it). So after all this beauty tips, she got discharged from the hospital but as she got to the hospital gate, the hospital ambulance knocked and killed her. When she appeared before God for judgment, she aked "Father why?, u said i have more 30 more years to live, how come i'm dead now?" and God answerd " I didnt recognise it was u my dear cos u r so changed from the You i used to know" lol,lol,lol,lol. Can you imagine dat?

* Confession


A pretty girl went to church, to make a confession to a priest.
The man asked her what is the matter.
She then said my boyfriend did something bad to me.
The pastor now kissed her and said did he do this to u?
She said no.
He hugged her and said did he do this to u? She said no.
He now pulled off her cloth and said did he do this to u? She said no.
He now made love to her and said did he do this to u? She said no.
Then he now said what is the thing he did that is making u to be crying?
Then the girl said "he gave me AIDS."
The pastor fainted....

 

* Vote of Thanks
During a wedding reception; the groom was called upon to give his response to his guests and it went like this:

I want to first of all thank the Lord Almighty for creating my wife and to also thank the pastor and his wife for lending us their wedding rings.

Special appreciation to my landlord who lent us his car.

I am most grateful to my boss for approving the loan I used for the wedding.

 Big thanks to the committee of friends for the appeal fund they raised.

Also to my brother?s wife, thank you for lending us your wedding gown.

Am so grateful to the cake designer for the cake . I promised to return it tomorrow morning as agreed.

Special thanks to my friends who brought food from their homes to help me feed you all. Please for those who were served food good luck and for those who didn't get any, well we will make it up to you during our children dedication hopefully next year.

Very big thanks to my parents for bringing the village cultural band to supply the music.

Not forgetting the church marriage committee, thank you for persuading my wife to marry me.

Appreciation to the married men in the church for rushing me into this marriage.

The women are not left out, thanks a lot for teaching my wife how to dance.

To the youths, thank you for sweeping and decorating this venue with palm fronds.

I am also grateful to my teenage friends for helping with the zobo drink .

Well, I wish you all safe journey and I pray you don't experience what I suffered for this wedding. Thank you.?

* The Preacher and the beer

A Preacher said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river". And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river". And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river". Again the congregation cried, "Amen!"

The preacher sat down.

The deacon then stood up & said: "For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, 'We shall drink from that river'".

THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUJAH!!!!

* Who are we?

An aeroplane is flying over the USA. The pilot says the plane is losing height and all the baggage must be thrown out.

(Pilot) "We're still losing height, we must throw anything out that is in the cabin"
Despite more things being thrown out the plane continues its
descent.
(Pilot) "Still going down - we must throw out some people" There's a big gasp from the passengers!
(Pilot) "But to make this fair - passengers will be thrown out in alphabetical order...so
A.... any Africans on board?" No one moves.
(Pilot) "B...any Blacks on board?" No one moves.
(Pilot) "C....any Caribbeans on board?" Still no one moves.
Little black boy asks his dad .."Dad, what are we?"
(Dad) "Tonight son, we are Zulus


* Pastor Chris Okotie
Pastor Okotie was asked to inform his congregation that:
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
and broke his crown
and Jill came tumbling after.

Pastor Chris climbed the pulpit and relayed the message thus:
A research team, comprising a pair of uniovular monozygotic twins, proceeded by ascension towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a standardized large vessel, the exact metric dimensions of which was unspecified.

One member of the team became ataxic and precipitously descended, getting involved in a hill top accident (HTA). He sustained blunt trauma to the temporal aspect of his skull causing a displaced fracture of the superior-most portion of the cranium, and a rupture of the underlying meninges. There was no lucid interval.

Subsequently, the second member of the team performed a self-rotational
rostro-caudal translation oriented in the same direction taken by his colleague.



* Of Course Not!
A husband asks his wife, "If I should die first, would you marry again?"
"I would be heartbroken, of course," was her reply, "but I think eventually I would remarry."
"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house would you?"
"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home. There is no reason to abandon it."  
"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"  
"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."  
"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"
"Of course not! He's left handed!"


* Church, Church, Church.
One afternoon on Broad street, N5 note saw his fresh looking elder brother N500 note coming out of a fast food plaza. He hailed him and speak...
"Hello brother, long time. Where have you been?
"As you can see, Im always around the big financial districts: Broad Street, Victoria Island, fast food plaza, Central Bank, boutique, VGC and the oil companies."
"And you N5? Ive not seen you in ages. Where have you been hiding?
"My brother, church, church, church...............................................
 

* Star in the East?

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
"Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

* I never told a lie

A minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute.  Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

* A Few Words

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

* "Stop - Acts 2:38!"

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...) The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"

* Bill Gates in Hell

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God said, "That was the screen saver". ................

* "I didn't recognize you"

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery, she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even asked someone to come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years." God replies, "I didn't recognize you"

..

* WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who had just passed away.

At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

* Adam & Eve had the perfect marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about how well his mother cooked!

* THE LIMO

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.

Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 miles per hour and, WHAM, there are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.

He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Seeing who it was the trooper says "just a moment please I need to call in."

The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?"
The trooper says,” No, even more important."
The chief replies, "It's the Governor, is it?"
The trooper replies "No, even more important."
"It's isn't the President is it?"
"No, more important", replies the trooper.
"Well WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"

* Just One Quick Question

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

* Heavenly Rates

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
"Come on in!"
...........* People who died in the service
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed a young man standing and staring at a large plaque hanging in the church foyer; the pastor walked over to the young man and bid him 'good morning'; the young man replied 'good morning, pastor' and not taking his eyes off the plaque asked 'sir, what is this?'; the pastor answered 'these are all the people who have died in the service'; soberly the two stood there before the plaque and after a long silence the young man asked 'which service sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?'.
.......................

* Johnny Jokes

Johnny was coming home from church one Sunday morning with his mother. His mother noticed he had a serious look on his face.
"What's on your mind, Johnny?" she asked.
"Is it true what the preacher said about us all coming from dust and turning back to dust?"
" Why , Yes, it is, Johnny," she said. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, when we get home," he answered, "You better look under my bed, because someone's either comin' or goin!"
.........................................


* It's Free, This is Heaven

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
....................

* The Hotel is Full

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem ."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
...............................

* Two Brothers

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."